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Sunday, July 26, 2009

Stopping by for a moment....

Again everyone, thank you for your kindness and support. I had to get online to check my email so I thought I would stop by for a minute.

It helps to know that some of my readers have been through this although I have to say, I wouldn't wish this on a housefly!

For those of you who had this experience, did you have a feeling of being tainted, or ruined? Like your innocence was gone? It's an awful feeling that I never had before and I was wondering if anyone else experienced it. And please don't freak out anyone. I'm not usually alone but those feelings usually have intrusive suicidal feelings behind them. It's awful and the Zoloft keeps that down and again, I'm either with my husband, my parents or in the mornings when I am alone, my neighbor is home. It's very scary and those are terrible feelings but they're not mine. It goes with the territory.

This morning wasn't good. We tried to walk a flea market but after 15 minutes, I had to go sit in our truck. I feel a twinge better now. I have some laundry going, some hummingbird food cooling off and I may try to mix a batch of cookie dough. I try to make cookies for my dad every week since he drives me everywhere that I need to go outside of McHenry. For awhile there, I couldn't drive at all. My dad had to come and get me every day.

Anyway, I want to say hello and ask that question.

4 comments:

Cathy K said...

Hi Pam, I'll answer your question as best as I can.... I think I know what you're questioning. And yes, I felt that way - not "ruined", but possibly forever changed. "Loss of innocence", as you described it, is oddly apt. But it's not a bad thing! Turn that thought on its head; once you've been through it, you'll be able to empathize with others who are going, have gone, or will go through it. Compare this depression to a physical (as opposed to mental/emotional) condition; just because you've had your tonsils out (as an example) - AND YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TONSILS AGAIN - does that change who YOU are? No - not in any way that matters.

You know logically you will get through it. Your emotions will reappear and catch up. You'll feel whole again - but with a level of understanding you've not had before. You will be BETTER for it, not lesser.

Lots of big hugs. And write me anytime if I can help..... Hugs, Cathy

Christine said...

Pam, I can echo Cathy's comments. You are also very lucky to have a support network around you. 15 years ago when I first went through this my family didn't understand what was happening. My mother told me to "snap out of it", all I could do was lay around all day in my pyjamas. It took me a while to seek medical advice, and then I weaned myself off the medication too soon. So I hope you take doctor's advice, work through it and come out better and wiser on the other side. Just remember this is a physical ailment, not "all in your mind" and you may be different if some ways after the experience but will still be YOU. I suppose it's a bit like cancer survivors, they approach life with a different vigour after treatment, I'm sure you'll be the same. I know I look at things differently now, and barring a few repeat episodes, I'm basically "normal" again, whatever that is !!!
Hooroo,
Christine in sunny wintery Sydney

Gina E. said...

Dear Pam, I had no idea you were going through such Hell. I hadn't been doing much blog hopping since before my computer crashed (I'm on hubby's laptop right now), and I've just sent you an email about some laces I have for you. I'm so sad to read about your emotional health issues, and while I have not suffered from depression myself, my hubby was very ill with it for about a year. He couldn't sleep at night, but wanted to sleep all day. Lost his appetite, smoked 50 - 60 cigs. a day, lost his job. It was a terrible thing to live with, but I gave him as much support as I could, and afterwards he said he doesn't know what would have happened to him without me by his side. So keep lovin that man of yours - he sounds like a beautiful guy. Count your blessings and take care of yourself as much as you are able.
{{{HUGS}}}

FredaB said...

Hi Pam

The fact that you got up, got dressed and at least attempted the flea market makes me feel like you are making progress. Maybe baby steps are the way to go until this horrible illness disappears.

I have Fibromyalgia and it started maybe 13-14 years ago. I remember going from doctor to doctor and no one knew what was wrong with me. A couple told my hubby it was all in my head. I could hardly walk a straight line, could not drive and had every symptom known to man. I was finally diagnosed by a rheumatologist down at Rush-Pres and once diagnosed I felt better just knowing I was not crazy. We tried all different things and finally with time it started to ease. I still have times when it comes back with a vengeance but I am on one of the new drugs they are using for it and it has made a world of difference. I can actually sew on a machine without suffering all day.

We are all thinking of you and trust this too will pass.

Hugs

FredaB

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